Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
