Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I AM VODKA MAN
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
