I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
