Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
