nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
