I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
