Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
