My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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