she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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