for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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