I think my fart just growled at me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You're like the curious george of whores
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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