i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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