Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
