Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
