she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
