i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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