Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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