I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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