you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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