Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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