I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize