my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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