i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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