She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize