So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
