My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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