Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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