Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
