what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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