Your face is a jimmy john
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
