when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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