My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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