I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize