Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
