Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
