she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
