What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
