no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
