Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
