i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
birth control should be required to get into college
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I believe in your delicious
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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