Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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