You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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