i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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