Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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