That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
