i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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