Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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