break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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