he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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