Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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