ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
