i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
