Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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