It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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