remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
