you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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