Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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